This morning I meditated for three minutes. When I opened Insight Timer it asked me if I had meditated yesterday, so that I could preserve my streak. I had not.
Some people think of me as someone who is “into meditation.” This makes a ton of sense, particularly among people at work, because I have hosted a meditation group for nearly eight years. Yet I still don’t view myself as a meditator.
Today I am coming out as a meditation dabbler. What my meditation practice lacks in consistency (which is a lot), it makes up for in variety and openness to new experiences. If you ask me if I want to try a new kind of meditation that I have never heard of before, I’m all in!
In 2013 I took an 8 week mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) course in Irvine with my friend Martha. MBSR was founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn (author of Wherever You Go, There You Are) and it offers a secular take on meditation and mindfulness practices. Kabat-Zinn is a professor, and MBSR is grounded in science and evidence that the practices help people cope with stress, reduce anxiety, and even alleviate physical pain.
My clearest memory from the MBSR workshop was the final day-long silent retreat. During silent lunch we were supposed to eat mindfully. I still remember sitting out on the lawn, eating a golden kiwi slowly, savoring every taste. Golden kiwis were a new-to-me food that I had only seen at Asian markets in Southern California. Now they come in three pound boxes at Costco, but I still try to eat them with at least a small amount of reverence.
One time in Charlotte I attended a Soto Zen meditation session that I found on Meetup. We met in the attic of a house in Dilworth - just me and two middle aged men who were regular practitioners. The meditation involved sitting still, facing a wall, in silence for what felt like an eternity but was probably 30 minutes. There was also some amount of bowing involved. It was a fascinating experience that I did not repeat.
This spring I attended a weekend retreat at the Art of Living Center in Boone. They offer several types of retreats and I chose the meditation one. I was mostly just there to check out the campus, get my yearly dose of healthy vegan food, and breathe in some crisp mountain air. Many of the participants on my retreat had regular meditation practices that they wanted to deepen or improve in some way. The instructors were very committed to sitting in silent meditation twice a day (morning and evening) for 20 minutes. Their commitment had brought them greater focus, clarity, productivity, and had even allowed them to experience deeper states of consciousness.
My favorite memories from the retreat in Boone are of conversations I had in the dining hall with new friends about everything from ayurveda to Roe v. Wade. Once I got home I continued meditating for 20 minutes in the morning for a while… then 15 minutes some days… then I started getting up after 10 minutes… then I stopped.
A common refrain surrounding meditation is “I’m not any good at it.” I understand the sentiment. It usually means that there are a lot of thoughts during meditation, that the mind doesn’t calm, that the body won’t keep still.
One thing I’ve learned is that, at least in my opinion, there is no right way or wrong way to meditate. I have an extremely expansive definition of meditation. I love practices like walking meditation or other forms of mindful movement. Meditation does not have to be silent. You don’t have to focus on your breath, or your body, or a mantra.
I’m also learning that something can be a part of your life and a small part of your identity, even if it ebbs and flows, even if you don’t do it as often as you’d like.
Recently I’ve become interested in meditation as a practice in sitting with discomfort. I would like to strengthen that muscle that allows me to stay with something even though it’s unpleasant - a sensation, emotion, state of being. I want to establish a practice that is bound by some amount of discipline, a thread of consistency. A “streak” on Insight Timer might even be in order. I might even sit with my spine straight and my legs crossed.
Maybe someday, when asked if I meditate, I’ll say “Yes, daily!” For now I’m going to keep saying “Eh, I dabble in it. Do you have any good meditations you recommend?”
Commentaires